My Oldest Foe

Most of you are familiar with this scene and if you aren't turn on the NES classic Super Mario Bros. and you will see this is the first screen of the game. It's the beginning of Mario's journey through the Mushroom kingdom to save Princess Toadstool and rescue the Mushroom Kingdom by freeing it and all of its denizens from the horrible spell placed on them by General Bowser Koopa, Leader of the Koopa Troop, and Massive Wang Hugger. So as our intrepid hero makes his way past seemingly never ending waves of Bowser's troops, hurtling over massive pitfalls, eating strange, magical mushrooms to increase his size and vitality(the real horror story behind all that later) and smashing his way through blocks that just appeared all over the place(yeah, horror, more later). You fight the Goombas, traitorous little co-inhabitants of the Mushroom Kingdom, Koopa Troopas, the creatures that form up the majority of the forces of the Koopa Troop and come in a variety of different types including the flying Koopa Paratroopa. 

Then, when you think all is well, you run into this dick. His name is Lakitu and his sole purpose in life is to fly around in his nice little cloud and spy on you and whenever you're in a tight spot or whenever Mario thinks he have a moment to rest this flying creep chucks Spiney Eggs at you which you can avoid, but once they hit the ground they rapidly mature into an adult Spiney, and before you know it you're in the middle of a swarm of spined covered armored monsters. As a child, I played in terror of this asshat showing up and hurling weaponized eggs at me and then being chased and eventually overwhelmed by the beasts. 

 So after playing further Super Mario games, the Koopa Troop increases the size of its air force to include evil suns, Koopa Paratroopas, Fly Guys, but Lakitu was ever present, always there, always taunting me. When I finally got to play a new game called, Super Mario Kart, I thought I had finally escaped my tormentor and I flew all over the tracks with reckless abandon then I fell into some water. Then, who would descend from the sky in his bastard cloud with a a fishing pole...Lakitu and he fished me out of the water, saving me from the depths. Well I was amazed, how is it my worst foe would be my savior from the blue hell of the Mushroom Kingdom's waters. Just as I was about to change my mind about the little guy, the son of a dog stole my money. I was just about to draw in a breathe of air when the monster took my coins and flew off, cackling madly, and spouting obscenities and racial epitaphs. Lakitu has continues to rain hell down upon unsuspecting Mario, and while his original incarnation was somewhat cute, what he's become is closer to what he truly looks like, a sadistic monster hell-bent on sowing terror from the skies of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Not so cute now, is he!